july johnson

Changes, Changes and Changes.

2006-04-27T03:52:00.000-07:00

Hello faithful non-existents! and the like! or odd-ball Google-misdirected search queries!

I was reading over my blog here, and reliving some experiences, laughing at my own creative writing, and missing the therapy I had going for myself for awhile. Sooo I decided to update my fictional creative writing outlet that we call blogs.

1. I moved to Hawaii. Yay!? (It's yet to be determined.)

2. Moneypenny moved to Disneyland, fulfilling a lifelong dream. YAY!

3. I still love coffee. Yay! (and secretly thermometers /pine)

4. I'm a nerd. Yay! (check #3 change, latter part.)

5. I get to ride theBus every day! Meow!

6. I miss my kitty. (#5's random ending made me think of my kitty back home /sad )

7. After some conversation with a co-worker I've decided to invent a new classification of youth social life! W00t!

8. I guess it would be helpful to tell you! Rwar!

9. I was listing mentally all the music I love, and realized that it's like all(most) emo! But I don't really manifest "typical" emo indentifiers. My solution was invent a new classification of youth social life! Huzzah!

10. Huzzah!

11. I decided that if I was to say so-and-so was 'emo' then I was 'imo(©)'. Below is supplied descriptors of each.
a. Emo - extroverted emotive
b. Imo - introverted emotive
Both I think are simply "current" terms on old thoughts of describing people and their social patterns. Interesting, no?

12. Yeah! I thought so!

13. (Left blank for the concern of those readers/ non-existents who disassociate themselves with said number)

14. Seventimestwo.

15. Degradation is a great word. And probably generates the wierdest of oddball Google-related misdirected search queries. And I wonder why or what those people are using that word for in a search. I bet they all actually like math. AND speak about it on a daily basis /shudder.

16. is sweet.

17. Was the day of a month during the solar year I came into the world.

18. /fin

Ok, well I am tired, my throat is sore, and hot tea is my poison.

Preferably jasmine.

jj

Goodnight and Goodluck

2006-01-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

Moneypenny here!
Its been a while since July or I have posted anything on this thing so I thought i might give it a go.
I will miss CNS dearly. I cant express that enough.
I love you guys and I can only hope that you come to visit in Orlando. Call me or something!
lovelovelove
Moneypenny

Chronicles of Insurgents With Fabuluous Hair: Episode IV; "Why Moneypenny Hates Tom Brokaw"

2005-08-21T21:36:00.000-07:00

so, heres y i hate tom brokaw

Some time right after 9/11 (a few weeks after...) I had a dream. Correction. it was a friggin nightmare. At this particular time in my life i had flown alot to my dads house in La.

back to the nocturnal vision.
Since it was MY NIGHTMARE, Osama (usama for cnn. whatever) Bin Laden, his mother (a little mother theresa looking lady) and a thug hijacked my plane. (which was southwest airlines)
oh crap.
so then we landed....and im the only hostage they took (no im not dead yet) and next thing i know were driving around somewhere in the Santa Clarita Valley and all of a sudden Osama is like "i need eggs and bread and milk"...
odd.
k so we stop at Vons. To get eggs and bread and milk.
so Osama goes into the store with his mother (who grabs a machine gun) and Osama takes his Machete.
And I;m sitting there with Mr Thug Man. And he turns on the am sports radio. theres a lot of tension in the air so i figured id try to break the ice.
"How bout those dodgers, eh?"
he grunts, Then promptly falls asleep. They didnt lock the car doors so i get out and run into the store. I look at this little pimply faced bagger and explained the situation and how he needed to call whoever the hell he needs to call to handle it (ie the National guard).
"did u want paper or plastic?"
clearly this isnt working so i go into the frozen peas section. Thats where Mrs Osama Sr. is.
shes small, so i walk up to her and grab the machine gun. Then i shoot the ceiling(???) because, apparently, i dont want bullets around cuz i dont want anyone to get hurt...that, AND i was trying to cause a ruckus (sp?) so the freaking Vons employees would call the police. FINALLY>
The authorities arrive and they trap Osama in the Meat Locker.
Awesome. I saved the day. Im awesome. There are news crews EVERYWHERE.
Cut to My living room later that evening:
im watching fox news live so i can see myself on tv saving the world from osama. All i see is TOM EFFING BROKAW telling a story about how HIS plane was hijacked and how HE SAVED THE WORLD FROM OSAMA AND HIS MAMA.
bastard.
so thats y i hate him.

Lowered Expectations: Hello Patches!

2005-06-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

Hello Ladies,

This is your host, July, and Welcome to Lowered Expectations.

Today we going to meet an aspiring young lad, who is well employed, full of energy, and available.

Let's bring out Pat, and listen to his interview!

...an Army of One...

Hello Pat, how are you this early morning? - sleepy July

"Hi Bob! I just leveled up on my online RPG. It's going to be a good day." - Not Experienced Pat

So Pat, let's talk about you. You look kinda young...when did you Graduate?

"uhm...2004, yeah." - What's that, It's' Pat!

Any college or tech school afterwards? - Riveted July

"I was in the Army, but something happened, and I didn't graduate, so now I'm working." - an Army of One...Pat.

Really?, that IS interesting.... by the way, Pat. How much do you weigh? - Shocked & Awe'd July

"Oh, about 95 pounds." - Pat O'Pounder.

....and? - Staring Like Somethings Wrong July.

"And what?" - Puzzled Pat.

Nevermind. Nothing. - Not so Hopeful July.

"People do that a lot to me" - I've got something to Say Patrick

What? - Next Subject July.

"Nevermind." - Confused, I think Pat.

So you're a working lad. Where does your financial security rest? - Journalistic rebound July.

"Ozark Mountain Bank." - Happy to Answer Pat!

I meant where do you work? - Somewhat resigned July

"Oh, I work at Subway most of the day, then I work at KFC for the evening." - Workaholic Pat

Oh, Subway AND the Colonel employ you, intriguing... - Not really Intrigued July.

American on White, lots of Pickles.

What time does Subway open Pat? - remember I'm sleepy July

"10:00 AM." - I can't wait to Work Patrick!

.....it's 7:42am. Why are you here? - I Get Paid to Wake with the Dead July

"Well I get dropped off at this time, and I can do all sorts of crap here at the internet cafe" - I read e-mails Patrick.

So... you rely on free transportation...correct? That's called a 'hook-up' Patches, my lad. Can you say 'I got the hook-up?' - Laughing, yet Apathetic July

"I've got the hookup!" - And Lemon Zest! Patches!

You should definitely remember that line. Ok, so what sports or activities do you enjoy most? - This Might Get Interesting July

"I enjoy watching WWE, I get so excited before a match, if you know what I mean? eh ? eh ?" - Yes I think I just said that Patches

No I don't. Ever. Forever. Down inside. Ever. No. What else? - Mental Firewall Up, Next Subject July.

"I can spend ALL DAY watching Nascar! I love Jeff Gordon." - Pretending to Steer Pat.

Nascar? WWE? Patches my lad, you need to settle down, you sound like the rowdy type! ahh but we all have our vices. - I love my Job July

"G-G-G-G-G-Giiddigty"- Over excited Pat.

What the Hell was that? - 2 Steps Back July

"Hmm? What?" - Blank Stare Pat.

Nothing...Nevermind... - Cautious as a Kitty July

Ok I've prepared a Collage, and I want you to tell me if this correctly identifies you, or if anything is out of place. - Artisticly inspired July

"Wow! That picture ROCKS! I have the same poster of Jeff Gordon in my room!" - Ecstatic Patches!

Ok here is a white Sharpie, you have 30 seconds to write whatever comes to mind on the Collage...and GO GO GO! - Encouraging Funny Things July

"OH, ah, oh, ahh, ok , ahhh......lets se.. OH oH .... OK ok ... ok... DONE!" - Excited Pat!

Ok well Ladies, here is Patrick A' la Collage! - Closing July

"Wait don't you need my cell phone, or address?" - Concerned Pat

No, we'll point out that you have a cell phone, and if it was meant to be you'll get a call. Happy hunting Pat! - Exhausted July

*Cue Lowered Expectations Theme Song

jj

this popcorn is making me thirsty.......

2005-06-20T17:28:00.000-07:00

But I didn't ask for his soda.

Whom's might you be wondering?

Well it all began at our local IMAX, as I waiting to watch Bruce Wayne kick some tail, in Batman Begins at the wee hours of the night.

Technically morning of Wednesday, 12:00am.

So the attendants let us scramble for seats, and I sit down, Row number 10.

And my friend was giving me the ol' "dude smoking hot chick over there" looks and head gestures. Typical guy body language.

Scanning casually my hottie sense fail to reward my seezies. (That's eyes for you non-Dane Cook Lovers. I will be referring to seezies later.)

Anyways, so I'm like whatever, cuz I have to run and give a ticket to a friend who's outside.

I get back, sit down, lean over, and I ask, "What were you pointing at earlier?"

"That's David Copperfield in front of you!" - friend who thinks I'm blind.

"Oh..." - blind july

So I really can't see his face, to verify this claim, so I'm like whatever, cool.

Then they are going to start the show, and the attendant gets up and is about to do his schpeel, and he says...

"Welcome to IMAX, we have a special guest in the audience tonight, David Copperfield!" - Attendant.

The crowd all knows it, and turns and looks, and claps.

"Stand up David!" - Soon to be sued for Publicity Harrassment Attendant.

David Copperfield stands up, waves left, waves right. Then he turns around and my tired seezies behold the following image.

"Buttered & salty....YOU CANNOT RESIST MY POWERS!!!!"

I was semi-mezmerized, but I broke the trance and thrust one greedy fist into the bag, and pulled out!

Yes! A handful of tasty David Coppercorn!

Yumyumyum!

He then also extended the Coppercorn to a fellow mortal to my right, but he declined the aromatic delight.

With some buttery goodness in my belly, I enjoyed Batman Begins oh so much more.

Thanks David!

jj

Chronicles of Insurgents with Fabuluous Hair: Episode I ; "The Original"

2005-06-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Moneypenny. She was VERY WHITE. And although being 19 years old, she had yet to accept her lack of Melanin.

She worked. Alot. Especially this week, which has absolutely nothing to do with the story, and thats ok. Anyways...she worked with this dude named July. He often found it difficult to hate Google; after all, google is quite cute. So, July had indian skin. Moneypenny was envious of his all-too-natural complexion. Together, at Click n sip, they listened to "queer lullabies" and discussed great tanning methods.

Then, July remembered how to get THE PERFECT TAN!!! A tan so perfect that it could solve the Melanin-deficient Moneypenny.

and then! oh gosh! july had a seizure! oops. nevermind, he was just trying to sing or something. Ever since that moment, moneypenny (her whiteness) always thought that there was something seriously wrong with July. (after all, he did try to stick a pill in a straw) and his counter was SOOOO CLUTTERED, so obviously, he did have a problem.

As time passed, her whiteness was still very, well, white and july had to wear niftyshades because she was so bright.

Then, a dragon came into the coffee shop. Feeling brave, the Dragon ordered a Red Eye. His name was ermal...he was named after the john wayne impersonater in the Branson Daily Independent. Ermal had ordereed the red eye because he needed to stay awake for his long awaited vacation to Antarctica (ermal wasnt sure how to spell it either). Then, with his caffeine loaded beverage, he left and headed to the S.Pole. And this is the only cool part of the story.

That day, while July was snorting Tetracyclendokgaomuroenhknalefkjene, one of the click n sip computers began screaming. Apparently, "Compy" had gotten into a fight with Inanimate-Steve's "lappy", got scared and then peed the carpet. Then, July turned on Ben Folds and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and, magically, Inanimate-Steve became....ANIMATE!!!!

And they all lived happily ever after the end and to be continued.

mp

Chronicles of Insurgents with Fabuluous Hair: In The Beginning...

2005-06-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

"hey, that Iraqi dude's hair is really cool" proclaimed the divine one (aka moneypenny).
"yes, that insurgent does have fabuluous hair" replied the scrawney july.

...and henceforth, The Chronicles of the Insurgents with Fabuluous Hair was created for the viewing pleasure of a select few. A new era was born. An era of grace, and era of wit, an era of beauty, and most importantly, an era of dim wit and a dash of retardation.

In the beginning, there was paper, ink, and Microsoft paint.
Somewhat juvenile illustrations were marked into the pages of history...and so it began...

..and you must be Ms. Moneypenny....

2005-06-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Good Morning.

I hope you slept well.

For the faithful few, I'm introducing a creative insurgent with fabulous hair and unique perspective to our social exercise.

Enter, Ms. Moneypenny.

I have witnessed her creative genius firsthand, and welcome her insightful, humourous perspective, hopefully on some of the same situations, for more inter-blog drama.

Enjoy the show :)

jj

Chronicles of Insurgents with Fabulous Hair : Enter, IRB220-F....

2005-06-17T18:46:00.000-07:00

So if you've been following the quest for the Holy Grail of Thermometers, I applaud your efforts, and your abundance of spare time.

Today, I received the IRB220-F.

A wide-eyed analog beauty.

Btw, thats one of the coolest macro shots I have taken. I'm in love with this picture, for the sake of art.

So far, since its analog, its a hair slow on the respose, but that means it just takes a bit of grace and skill to wield :)

The Quest continues!!!

jj

Chronicles of Insurgents with Fabulous Hair : The Holy Grail of Thermometers.

2005-06-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

Don't you like getting stuff in the mail?

I sure do. Especially since its free.

While working at the cafe, I embarked on a search for the holy grail of thermometers, to froth my milk with, for precise and repeatable drink quality.

I found the CDN DTQ350.

Chrome. Digital. Water resistant. Instant readout updates. Beautiful.

We worked well together. Until one day....

She was reading all over the place! I was panicky, too hot?! too cold?! And for the life of me I couldn't reset her.... I felt all was a loss, then I noticed something.

Yes, as Holy of a Thermometer the DTQ350 was. It had an Achilles Heel. A sensitive thermal tip.

Wantonly using the DTQ350, resulted in chipping of the red coat, exposing the digital sensor, comprimising its purpose.

Contacting the manufacturer immediately, with my findings, they have been more then supportive in my quest, and have sent me several more DTQ350's free of charge!

So far 3 of these fine instruments have lived their short burdened lives in my care.

But a cure is on the horizon so tells me my representative.

I await the Holy Grail.

jj

Enter, Lady Creepy....

2005-06-17T17:42:00.000-07:00

I get a lot of older people. Thats just the target market for my tourist area. So I have to deal with their lack of technical instinct alot. But thats ok, I deal well with it. Now if they cop a 'tude, I don't deal with that. That's just rude. (Steph Tanner)

Enter, Lady Creepy....

(quite possibly not Lady Creepy....)

So we sell internet service. $5 a half hour. Yikes some might say. Most don't. So I instructed this seemingly nice older lady on how to get started on our terminals. Then I went to cleaning my espresso machine. Then she turns her head in an odd way, with like a lean back, like she can't turn it all the way, and the following is the dialogue that ensues....

shes like "what drink are you making?"

july- "i'm cleaning"

"is that the steamed milk?" - odd lady

"I can steam milk..." - puzzled july

"do you got the tea?" - senile woman

"we have these teas only" - afraid july pointing to Tazo rack.

"oh so only the coffees" - freaky lady

"Yes." - disconcerted july

"do you print?" - glazed eyed woman

"yes we print." - mocking july

At this point her head turning antics and questionable vernacular were beginning to make me fearful.

and then... it happened.

She FREAKED me out.

I'm about to make a double batch of New York frappe mix on my Vitamix blender. It's loud, and I can't hear over it, and it will require my attention during the process. Just before I start, I notice Lady Creepy turning around like she needs something.

and she hands me another $5

"another half hour?" - cautious july

grinning conniving lady nods head

july graps the five

july pulls on five

lady hold on five and pulls back.

july pulls again becuase he doesnt initially think thats what it was.

'Sicky' pulls back on the dollar AGAIN.

july looks at lady, and she smiles.

july manages a glancing away grin, to release the five, and not puke in his mouth.

july precedes to run blender on full bore, and drown out his inner pains.

july readies his mace....

So now i'm blogging this, and telling everyone on msn the wierdness of the moment. I have never before had a customer do this. Not even a hot chick that liked me. Or didn't like me. Just this sicky old ewwwwwwwwwwwww.......

jj

Chronicles of Insurgents with Fabulous Hair : The July Perspective

2005-06-17T17:20:00.000-07:00

I sell coffee. Which involves talking. To people. Lots of people. Usually tourists. Then there are those who leave that mark on your day, which gives you the rights to retell your experience with this social creature, to all your friends and confidants. The people I tell about are real, and I embellish only for theatrical effect.

I will be admitting to my eccentricities as well, just to be fair :P

Author and Narrator,
July Johnson